CC is the only person I can think of that I’ve ever been truly jealous over. Why is that? The first time I can remember feeling jealousy was when we stayed at the condo with K&L. I remember hearing her have an orgasm. She has always been difficult to get to that point, and even [...]
Archive for November, 2008
Why jealousy?
Posted in Poly, tagged jealousy, Poly on November 23, 2008 | 1 Comment »
Finding Peace
Posted in Taoism, tagged buddhism, finding peace, imagination, stress on November 22, 2008 | 2 Comments »
I attended a class at the Buddhist Center today about finding peace. Here are my notes, I’m not going to put it together in a coherent essay, it’s just snippets that I got from the class.
Stress is a creation of the mind, triggered by external circumstances like work and jealousy. It comes about because we [...]
A New Low
Posted in Uncategorized, tagged breakup, divorce, new start, Poly, rebuilding, rock bottom on November 22, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
Eleven years ago, the day that the Broncos won the Superbowl for the second time was the lowest point in my life. My car had broken down, I got evicted from my apartment (over a stereo alarm that went off while I wasn’t home). I was staying with my new girl friend, and had just [...]
It’s not that I don’t want to
Posted in Uncategorized on November 21, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
It’s not that I don’t want to hug you, play a game with you, talk to you
I want to, more than anything I want to, but I can’t
It’s a bit like getting a taste of something, knowing that that small taste is all I’ll ever get. Maybe someday that will be enough, but I’m not [...]
Meditation for the Renunciation of Samsara
Posted in Uncategorized on November 19, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
We cannot avoid the suffering of dissatisfaction by frequenty changing our situation. We may think that if we keep getting a new partner or a new job, or keep traveling around, we will eventually find what we want. But even if we traveled to every place on the globe and had a new lover in [...]
What do I say?
Posted in Uncategorized on November 19, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
“How are you doing?”
“What’s new in your life?”
getting a lot of questions that I really don’t know how to answer, but the second round gets even worse.
“Why are you getting divorced?”
Umm, I don’t know, ask her, she is the one in control of this….
“Who is the other guy?”
How the hell do I answer that one? [...]
My prayer
Posted in Uncategorized on November 18, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
My kids are attending a quasi-religious dance group. Tonight was the first time that I got to attend. At the end, everyone is given the opportunity to say a prayer for anything that they’d like. One of the boys prayed that mommy would return safely from her trip. I wanted to say one of my [...]
Master slave relationships unsustainable
Posted in Uncategorized, tagged M/S, relationship, sustainable on November 18, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
I got news today that another long term Master/slave relationship has ended. Under circumstances remarkably similiar to my own. It does make me wonder if M/s relationships are sustainable for the long term. If not, it would be wise to go in to the relationship with an exit plan. Perhaps a planned 5 year relationship [...]
Someday
Posted in Uncategorized on November 18, 2008 | Leave a Comment »
Someday I’ll make it through the day without breaking down.
I’ll know what it’s like to smile again without forcing it.
Someday I won’t have to struggle to get through a conversation without getting choked up.
I can talk about my life and be happy.
Someday I’ll see the path clearly before me.
I’ll know where I’m headed and look [...]
Expectations
Posted in Uncategorized, tagged breakup, expectations, relationship on November 17, 2008 | 1 Comment »
More thoughts about expectations. I think that CC and I have been trying to get different things out of this relationship, and not communicating very well on what we were looking for. I was still holding on to the old relationship, but not really living up to my end of it. She was looking for [...]
