It seems that no one seems to realize that seeing her tends to ruin my whole fucking day. I almost always end up either angry or sad. More often than not lately it’s angry, often times over things not quite her fault, like the boys have picked up so many bad habits from Jessie’s teenage son, or I spend so much of my time just dealing with issues related to us living separate, or she’s always late toeverything, but that’s all for another time (or not). I’m not sure what came over me today, but seeing her standing there I knew I had to get out, I tried (mostly successfully) to keep from crying most of the way home.
I suppose I should take this as a lesson about the nature of attachment, but that still doesn’t make it any less hard in the moment. It’s so hard when my choices are be an absent dad, or deal with being around her. And then she texts me on the way home and lets me know she got a flat, her second one of the day. I’m not sure at all why she sent me a message. My first inclination was to text her back “jessie is your man now, not me’ but obviously that wouldn’t accomplish anything. I want to help out, but I also don’t want her to expect me to come running every time she needs something, she made a choice, and it wasn’t me. By telling me, she just made me aware of a problem that I’m not in any position to fix, and that someone else is going to be coming to her aid, not me anymore. I’m sure none of this was her intent, although I’m not sure what it was. I know that I sometimes catch myself wanting to call or text her something that happened with me, out of habit.
It’s one thing to be rejected by someone you just met, as a guy, you kind of have to just get used to it, it happens all the time. I usually just write it off as I didn’t make a great impression, and they didn’t really take the time to know me. It’s another to be rejected by someone that you’ve spent 10 years with, and built up a life together. I’ve noticed lately an awful lot of insecurity on my part about things that I was never insecure about before. It may not be a bad thing, being too sure of yourself certainly isn’t good. It’s a push to improve, and evaluate myself. It’s also an opportunity for me to wrestle with it and learn how to deal with it. I think in the past I have had insecurities, but they’ve always been subtle enough that I didn’t recognize them, or didn’t have to deal with them. At the same time, it’s also lead to some jealousy issues and sometimes an failure to act, which is a bit of a new one for me.
Oh well, life goes on, I should start visiting the Buddhists again, I think I need to find someone I can talk with individually.
