Here I sit at 2 am in a quite house, while the woman I thought would be with me forever lies in someone elses bed, never to return. Is this what is left for me now? I was at a party tonight and I didn’t want to come home, because I knew the only thing I would be thinking about was her. I miss her terribly, and yet, at the same time, I hate her, and don’t want anything to do with her. How can that be? And more importantly how do I deal with it without it tearing me apart? I’ve gone on a few dates lately, but I never make it past the first date, which is somewhat unusual for me. They can tell there is something wrong with me. I really don’t know what to do. I’ve conteplated suicide probably 4-5 times a week. I don’t think that I would do it, because every time I get close, I picture the little guy. I guess I just get to be a shell, filling my time up when I can, drinking myself to sleep when I can’t. Even fun things make me sad, because I’m thinking “she should be here” We are about a week away from the event that kicked off the worst year of my life. The Dragonboat festival used to be one of my favorite events, now it will be a reminder of the day I learned she was sharing more of her life with others than with me. The yearly camping trip, the day she had sex with jessie without a condom. Nothing is fun. I try to find something to look forward to and I can’t. I feel so bad for Bridget, she shouldn’t have to deal with this.
I don’t know if you know this, but love and attachment are not just emotional but CHEMICAL processes. If you check out neuroscience you will find that certain chemicals are produced in the brain as a result of both sexual attraction and emotional attachment when we bond with other people, and when a relationship ends most people not only have to go through a stage of mourning, but also a withdrawl of types from what amounts to mother-nature’s version of hormonal addiction. It majorally sucks because not only do we suffer the loss of our hopes and the like, but our bodies are constantly reaching for the comfort-chemicals only to not receive them, which heightens the craving for them even more.
I am sorry that life is causing you so much pain at present. I have never lost a relationship that deep that lasted that long but I did have to give up on love myself at one point, and in the end distance for a time was what helped me turn the corner. I moved out of country for six months. (Not exactly an option for your with your munchkins, but you may want to take steps to have no contact or as little as humanly possible for a few months – think of it like you’re trying to break a cigarette or alcohol addiction – of course you crave with the pack on the table for you to constantly look at…)
Another trick you can try…it is easier to give up one habit while replacing it with another. Find a subject or hobby that has always interested you, and explore it more deeply…or throw your emotional energy into work or exercise…