Video

CC had a bunch of family pictures on her laptop that I wanted to keep, so (with her knowledge) I pulled them all over to my computer.  A couple days ago I was going through them, and lo and behold, I found a video of CC having sex with another guy.  I mistakenly thought this was someone new, and that she had found someone to replace me in that fashion.  I can’t even begin to describe how I felt.  I’m actually fairly proud of how I reacted though.  I calmly asked her about it, and we discovered they are actually from a couple of years ago, someone that I already know about.  Apparently I didn’t want to see them at the time, which in itself kind of saddens me.  Looking at them, I can see how I could have, should have enjoyed them, and enjoyed that she was having fun, and even watching it now, a part of me enjoys it.  Why didn’t I back then?  What was that mental block I had about her being with others, where it often upset me (even though it often turned me on too).  I always enjoyed having sex with her after she was with someone else, and “reconnecting”  although like many things, I later discovered that was mostly on my end, that she did not feel the same need.

So anyway, even though she hasn’t replaced me yet, eventually she will.  I suppose the odds are I’ll never know when it happens.  But if I ever do find out, I have no idea how I am going to deal with that, right now it would (and did) devastate me.  Even though the images are a couple of years old, I can’t get them out of my head.  Ironically, when I was meditating on inappropriate attention, those images kept coming to mind.  Right now I have so much attachement and aversion with CC that it’s going to rip me apart, I need to learn how to overcome that, or when she finds someone new, I’m not going to be able to handle it.  A small part of me still wishes that “someone new” would be me.

Walmart

I was paying bills the other day and I noticed that CC’s credit card bill said WM supercenter.  She is shopping at Walmart now?  After everything I’ve done fighting that company, and thinking that she believed in it like I did, and then seeing that charge.  Yeah, it’s a small thing, but more and more it feels like everything that I thought she believed in was just her “going along”.  It feels more and more like I had no impact on her life.

More Irony

It’s funny, had she come to me and said, “I understand that it’s not where we are now, but when we were in a relationship, I agreed to be your slave, so I will accept what you decide is fair for me to take from the relationship.”  I Would have done everything I could have to make sure the split was more than equitable, and that she was set up in a situation where she could make it on her own.  As it is, I don’t know that I really care all that much, because she had disrespected so much about what our relationship was suppose to be.

Accounting

Where the fuck do you get off acting like your getting screwed out of this? You want to start accounting for everything? Then lets account for the fact that I took in you and your two kids when you couldn’t have made enough to cover daycare, let alone living expenses. Let’s account for the fact that I raised them as my own, and will continue to do so, for the rest of my life. Yeah, I love them, and now consider them my own kids, but maybe that just shows what a chump I am. Lets account for the fact that I gave you the opportunity to stay home with them for almost two years and raise them, then gave you the opportunity to get a job, even though it was just barely paying for day care, which gave you the opportunity to get to where you are today. I would have been able to save up much more while I was working in Tech if it weren’t for the fact that I was supporting a wife and two kids. The whole reason I had to depend on you when I transitioned jobs was that I had next to nothing saved when I left my last job, why do you think that is?

You’re “giving” me the house? Bullshit. I’m taking responsibility for the house when you’d rather just run away. Yes, I did mention the idea first, but at the time I was contemplating suicide too. Now, I’m the one taking it, saving your credit as well as mine, taking on the maintenance nightmare that it has become, taking on the responsibility of figuring out every month where we are going to get the money to pay for it. And you act like you’re doing me a favor?

Lets account for the fact that I gave you 10 years of my life, including all the best earning years I’ve had to this point, trying to build a family, only to have you throw it all away when times got tough. I try to do the reverse, to depend on you for a while so I can start a new career, and you get resentful, and eventually end up walking away.

That’s what you’ve done you’re whole life. Run. And use other people in the process. You used M to run away from the small town you were in, knowing full well you were going to leave him somewhere along the line. Then you used D to run from that situation. Then you ran back to your parents. Then you ran to me, and while things were good, you were perfectly happy to stay along for the ride. Things get bad, time to run again, this time Jessie is the one you get to use. Who’s next?

You’re certainly not the person I thought you were. During our relationship, there were occasional times when I would look around and wonder why I did this, I always said to myself because I was doing the right thing, because I was building a family with someone that I knew would stand beside me through anything. Guess I was wrong.  So why did I go through all that?

I love the kids, and I don’t regret taking them on, and will continue to support them, happily, but don’t tell me you’re the one getting screwed out of this, or act like you’re doing me a favor.

failure

So I’m 34 and pretty much a failure at this point.  I can’t maintain a relationship to someone that swore to be devoted to me, and whom I took in when she was young with two kids and couldn’t support herself.  I must have been pretty lame to fuck that up, huh?  Financially, I have nothing.  Nothing saved for retirement, no credit, nothing in the bank.  Oh but wait, I don’t quite have nothing, I have debt.  I’m apparently mooching off my ex, so once again she gets to be magnamous.  Lucky me to have her, huh?  I’ve failed in the career that I’ve put everything in to for the last three years, guess I’m just not cut out for it.  I suck at relationships, and don’t really know to maintain them, or apparently how to please a woman.    I’m in the worst shape of my life, my body hurts so much that I can barely do anything.  I suppose looking at me, she had every reason to leave me.

Just like I had every reason to not take her in

Ok, now that I have that off my chest, time to figure out what the hell to do about it.

breakup dynamics

she leaves me

I feel betrayed, she feels guilty

I’m angry, she’s guilty

I end up looking like an ass, she looks like the responsible one

how ironic is that?

Crises of Confidence

In recent history, I think I have been an exceptionally confident person, there are certain areas that I have lacked confidence, but relationships was not one of them.  I don’t think that is the case anymore.

I’ve noticed over the last couple of weeks that I have not had the desire to have sex with anyone new.  Not because I don’t have the desire to have sex, but because I don’t have the desire to put myself out there.  I’ve always been very confident in my relationships, in my abilities to take care of my partners needs, even if it was in a slightly alternative fashion.  Despite the fact that I’ve had a few opportunities lately, I just don’t feel like I would be up to par so to speak with a new partner, so I’ve not even made the attempt. 

In a way it makes me question many of more core beliefs regarding poly relationships.  I’ve always said it’s about trust, and believing that your partner won’t leave you just because they enjoy a new partner.  Well, that has been thrown out the window.  Part of my fear right now is that if I do get in to a new poly relationship, I’m going to have more insecurities than I did in the past. 

I think that this is a growing opportunity, and I need to find a more solid foundation for my poly.  Compassion is likely to play a key part in that.  Learning to love someone without attachment.  I’m not sure how that reconciles with my natural D/s tendencies, but I think it can.  I don’t know that it will work so well in a collared relationship, but after CC’s treatment of a collar, I think I will be even more hesitant to do that in the future than I was in the past.

I don’t know that any of that is relavant to my current lack of sexual confidence.   I just don’t feel like I have much to offer right now.  To be fair, CC is not the only cause of that, Leia did her fair portion, and maybe others as well.  I suppose that feeling is not as important as how I respond to it.  I don’t want to wallow in it.  Perhaps it’s time to improve my skills.  In many ways I’ve been stuck in a rut for quite a while.  I’m just so exhausted right now with a new job and all the stress in my life right now that I don’t feel I have much time to devote to anything.  I have some hope that that will improve in the future.  Until then who knows.

It’s been a while

It’s been a while since I’ve written.  I would like to say that’s because I’m doing better, but the truth is that it’s just because I’m busy, and I haven’t had much time to think about things.  I think outwardly I’m doing better, I haven’t had any major blowups in a while, but maybe that’s just a sign that I’ve given up and disconnected from my feelings, like CC has.   I went out with Bridget last night, had a pretty good time, and ran in to a lot of people from several of my different social groups, was very validating for me.  I met two very interesting girls, both of whom I will hopefully see again.  Thinking about potential scenarios with either of them just served to remind me  I already had what I wanted.  I don’t know that that means I can’t find what I want again, but the odds do seem fairly remote.  That’s one thing that really sucks about this, even when something good happens, I get sad.

I went to a birthday party last weekend and had a really good time, but I also kept thinking about how CC would have enjoyed being there, then I had some horrible images of CC being there, and how that would have affected me.  I managed to put it out of my mind and have a good time, but it’s always there lurking just under the surface.

Then yesterday, I came back from lunch with Bridget to Jessie and CC being here with some friends of ours, and it just struck me that Jessie was in my spot, sitting next to CC talking and hanging out with our friends.  It wasn’t a major thing, but it was a thing.

I’m trying to analyze some of my feelings about CC, which is probably easier to do now that she doesn’t read this, although I’m still pretty sad that she doesn’t.  She is definitely just blocking everything out and running, mentally if not physically.   I’m trying very hard to keep the house right now, and she has pretty much just given up and washed her hands of it.  We ran in to some minor financial trouble last week while both of us are waiting for paychecks from our new jobs, and her response was “I don’t know what to do, so I’m just not going to think about it.”  What the fuck??  Is that how she is going to solve problems now, or was she just not thinking about it because she knew I’d come up with something?  As it turns out, through talking with Bridget, we came up with a solution, and we should be fine, but I’m a little annoyed with CC, and more than a little concerned for her.  Maybe that is patronizing of me, but after spending 10 years being responsible for someone and looking after her wellbeing, it’s hard to not be that way a little bit.  It’s like she is closing herself off, retreating further inward and just ignoring anything that upsets her.  I’m sure I’m just getting a partial picture these days, since she doesn’t really talk to me, but it really tears me up seeing that and knowing that I’m not in a position to do anything.

So, good news, as I mentioned I have a job now!  It’s not a great job, and it’s a long drive, but I think I’ll enjoy it.  The benefits are fantastic, it still allows me to work on my other projects and focus on my passion (although I’m highly pissed off at our government at the moment).  I’ll also get to use my techie skills while working on sales skills, so I think it’s a very good fit for me right now.  And, given how things are going in the economy, I’m thankful that I was able to find something.

Well, I think that is a good brain dump for 9am, time to eat.

Feeling good

I think I’m doing pretty good today.  I do still have occasional bouts of sadness when I think what she might be up to, but they are less frequent.  I got a job today, which is a huge relief, what I was doing previously just wasn’t enough to support myself.  I suspect that I’ll always have resentment that I had to give it up, but, maybe I’ll get a second chance in the future.  For right now, I just need to focus on putting pieces back together one at a time.  Finances are still going to be pretty scary, I don’t know if we’ll be able to manage keeping the house or not.

I know that I don’t write often enough about Bridget, I think it is often the fallacy of journals and of people in general that we focus on the negative.  Also, Bridget and I talk a lot more in person, so there are less unresolved feelings that I have to deal with.  I think that things are going pretty well lately, and I have been enjoying my time with her.  It is unfortunate that we are both stuck in a situation that isn’t quite what we were looking for, but I think we are both happy to be with each other.  Probably going to be looking at moving soon, and getting an apartment on our own, possibly one big enough for the boys too.

Hopefully soon I can get back to studying Taoism, Buddhism, Poly and D/s, and write some stuff that this blog was originally suppose to be about.

Complicated

Yet another thing to be angry about.  Our life was complicated enough before.  Now, with trying to shuffle all the kids and everyone schedules, it’s near impossible.  There are constant miscommunications on both sides, everyones calendar is always screwed up and being changed at the last minute.  it’s yet another thing that makes it next to impossivle for me to focus on anything.  The question always in the back of my mind is, “how is all this worth it?’